“Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.” ― Jodi Picoult

anxiety. this word has held me hostage for a few months now. i have struggled with anxiety since i was a teenager, but it comes in waves. it has been years since i have had to face it full force again. it is easy to forget just how life altering it can be.

for anyone who is reading this, and anyone who knows me, all of these thoughts i ramble about may surprise you. i can promise you that the side you do know of me is very real too. the free-spirited, happy girl. the girl who makes you laugh, the girl who enjoys life to the fullest, it is not a facade. i do not do well sharing my darker moments with the world, but in order for me to conquer them, i need to get them out, and that is what i am doing here.

so what can i do? today i am going to force myself out of my cave, the safe haven i call home. i am going to tell myself that everything IS ok. get myself dressed, and out into the world. even if it is only for a moment, an hour, a couple of hours. whatever i can manage. to not think of anything further than one step at a time, that is the goal.

so, here i go. wish me luck. i can do this. i CAN do this. what i cannot do is stop living. stop functioning. stop trying. stop believing. so i will do what i can, in this moment, and that will be enough.

lots of love to you all.

<3

let's dress up and be someone else for the day.. halloween rocks

i love halloween. mostly because i love to play dress-up. i mean, come on!

each year the kid and i (Renata) like to come up with costumes that can be put together by rummaging through thrift shops. we typically like to portray strong women of some sort. maybe a big middle finger to the "sexy" costume trend, but more so because it is far more fun and we love to use our noodle with creative ideas.

two years ago Renata and I both dressed as Rosie the Riveter. that was such a great costume. last year she opted to dress as the creeptastic girl from the movie The Ring. OK, not exactly a "strong woman" in the same sense as Rosie, but hey, it was awesome. she stuck out like a sore thumb in the halls of her high school surrounded by gals dressed as cutesy cowgirls etc.. it was pretty hysterical.

i had a great Amelia Earhart costume last year. unfortunately i fell asleep before going out and well, no one ever saw it. :/

this year Renata and I went for a classic look. a 50s housewife straight out of Pleasantville, and let me tell you, it is FANTASTIC! some may argue that this plays into some pretty offensive female stereotypes, but i disagree. women certainly have come a long way, although there is still a lot of progress to be made in our society's views of us, but there is nothing NOT powerful about the 50s housewife.

this is the women who kept everything together, the glue of the family. she cooked, she cleaned, she reared the children- most likely on her own- she was everything, and we salute her today. :)

i hope you all have an amazing Halloween, get lots of candy, have many laughs, and make lovely memories.

Bear's Den // Lincoln Hall (Chicago, IL) // 10.28.14 Review

i was lucky enough to be given the opportunity to shoot and review my first show on tuesday. how excited was i? like BEYOND excited!! not only because, duh, that's awesome, but also because it happened to be for a band that i adore and at my most favorite chicago venue, ever. Win.Win.

just wanted to share that with you! for the full review of the show please visit the 

Portraits of Sound  website. i would be so happy to have your support. :)

shooting a live show certainly has its obstacles, low light, bright spotlights, maneuvering the crowd, and do not even get me started on the red LED lights.. for the love of everything, nooooo! it is like a photographer's hell! but it was so much fun, and i love that environment. i felt alive doing something i love. hmmm, maybe i am on to something here. ;)

here are some shots from the show. 

have a great day, and don't forget to check out the review at the Portraits of Sound page. (shameless plug, shameless plug).

don't cry, hold your head up high.

i have always cared immensely for other people. so much so that i find myself compromising my own feelings, my own wants and needs to be sure i give them what they want and need from me. perhaps some of you can relate.

i tend to be someone that people come to when they are in need. in need of a shoulder to cry on, or a friendly ear, supportive advice, and even more tangible things like money. i believe one of my greatest qualities is being a supportive friend/sister/child/person in general. i like that about myself, mostly. there are times when it hurts to be that person.

there have been a handful of times in my life where i found myself too weak to stand on my own two feet. it is not a place i enjoy, needing someone to lean on is difficult for me. my entire life i have always been told how strong i am, and when i feel weak, i feel like i have disappointed those people, and myself.

the last time i felt completely lost was after the death of my mother. i have never fully recovered from that. it is not something i want to go into at the moment, there are only so many things i can handle in one day. :)

today i am feeling pretty low and i woke up with an uneasy feeling, but honestly that is not out of the norm these days. i have just had an unfortunate email sent to me from someone i care about, someone i respect, someone who at one time i considered a friend. that someone has been changing in the past year, and for multiple reasons our connection has diminished, as well as (i imagine) our mutual respect and (non-romantic) love for each other. it is sad, so very sad, when that happens.

that being said, i have never proven myself to be anything but a loyal and committed partner in this relationship. i have been strong, i have powered through, i have proven myself time and time again to be a rock solid participant, and for this reason i am deeply wounded by the word daggers tossed in my direction today. i am not one to claim victim, i am no victim, but i have always been in pursuit of justice, in defense of the underdog, and in this case i have been wronged and so misunderstood. i am the underdog. interesting. who will come to my defense? perhaps it has to be me.

recently, i have come to a place in my life i have not been before. it is foreign and uncharted territory for me. i am struggling with so many things right now. my mental health is probably not at its peak. my emotional stability is tested on a daily basis. my anxiety is frightening and, at times, paralyzing.

in general, i am quite a free spirited and happy individual, but i have always had a darker side, a heavier side to my personality as well. i have mostly chosen to not let that show, probably out of fear that it would not be understood.

the point of this, if there is one, is that yes, i AM strong, even when i am weak, but sometimes even the strongest of people need some major help. it is most difficult when the tables are turned, and you need the help, and those around you do not know how to deal with YOU being that person. it is isolating.

maybe even worse is that i find it impossible to to communicate my feelings to someone else. how can they possibly understand the depths of despair i feel? i do not want anyone to feel these feelings, i only want them to understand that they are real. really really really real, and your harsh words are not helping my fragile soul, because i break so easily right now, and i am trying, but it is time for me to put me first. just for a minute, please understand.

i think my mom would tell me to "just be". just be for a moment, just be and you will figure it out.
and in the words of one of my favorite musicians, Bear's Den--
"please don't cry, hold your head up high.. she would want you to."

be kind to each other. :)

hello. can you hear me, world?

where do you even begin with these types of things? i tend to be a rambler. a non planner, so that is where i will begin, with no plan, but to ramble.

if you came here in search of a purpose for this blog, i apologize, you will not likely find it. you see, i am not even sure what my purpose is most of the time, so defining a purpose for this would be most difficult. mainly, i have decided that i need an outlet, a way to say whatever it is that may be clogging up my brain on any given day. it could be silly, or sad, or totally out there. no rules here, i am over rules.

total disclosure, i am a little bit lost these days. at a crossroads in my life. which direction do i head? what am i missing? should i be doing something else? am i wasting away my talents? am i depressed/sad/lonely?  i think it is all a possibility. what i do know is this- my soul is aching for something.  i.just.don't.know.what.it.is.yet.

i would be happy for you to join in on this ride. it may be bumpy, i can promise you i will get lost along the way, and you may discover far more about me than you ever bargained. if you know me already, you could discover a new side of me. maybe you will like it, maybe you will not. i think for me, i am growing tired of wondering if you will accept me for all of my flaws behind the mask i wear and i think it is time i just let them show.

perhaps this will pave the road to figuring out what the hell is going on in my mind, in this world, in my heart and where ever else, and that elusive purpose will present itself to me... maybe.

we are all flawed, and i am ok with it. :)