don't cry, hold your head up high.

i have always cared immensely for other people. so much so that i find myself compromising my own feelings, my own wants and needs to be sure i give them what they want and need from me. perhaps some of you can relate.

i tend to be someone that people come to when they are in need. in need of a shoulder to cry on, or a friendly ear, supportive advice, and even more tangible things like money. i believe one of my greatest qualities is being a supportive friend/sister/child/person in general. i like that about myself, mostly. there are times when it hurts to be that person.

there have been a handful of times in my life where i found myself too weak to stand on my own two feet. it is not a place i enjoy, needing someone to lean on is difficult for me. my entire life i have always been told how strong i am, and when i feel weak, i feel like i have disappointed those people, and myself.

the last time i felt completely lost was after the death of my mother. i have never fully recovered from that. it is not something i want to go into at the moment, there are only so many things i can handle in one day. :)

today i am feeling pretty low and i woke up with an uneasy feeling, but honestly that is not out of the norm these days. i have just had an unfortunate email sent to me from someone i care about, someone i respect, someone who at one time i considered a friend. that someone has been changing in the past year, and for multiple reasons our connection has diminished, as well as (i imagine) our mutual respect and (non-romantic) love for each other. it is sad, so very sad, when that happens.

that being said, i have never proven myself to be anything but a loyal and committed partner in this relationship. i have been strong, i have powered through, i have proven myself time and time again to be a rock solid participant, and for this reason i am deeply wounded by the word daggers tossed in my direction today. i am not one to claim victim, i am no victim, but i have always been in pursuit of justice, in defense of the underdog, and in this case i have been wronged and so misunderstood. i am the underdog. interesting. who will come to my defense? perhaps it has to be me.

recently, i have come to a place in my life i have not been before. it is foreign and uncharted territory for me. i am struggling with so many things right now. my mental health is probably not at its peak. my emotional stability is tested on a daily basis. my anxiety is frightening and, at times, paralyzing.

in general, i am quite a free spirited and happy individual, but i have always had a darker side, a heavier side to my personality as well. i have mostly chosen to not let that show, probably out of fear that it would not be understood.

the point of this, if there is one, is that yes, i AM strong, even when i am weak, but sometimes even the strongest of people need some major help. it is most difficult when the tables are turned, and you need the help, and those around you do not know how to deal with YOU being that person. it is isolating.

maybe even worse is that i find it impossible to to communicate my feelings to someone else. how can they possibly understand the depths of despair i feel? i do not want anyone to feel these feelings, i only want them to understand that they are real. really really really real, and your harsh words are not helping my fragile soul, because i break so easily right now, and i am trying, but it is time for me to put me first. just for a minute, please understand.

i think my mom would tell me to "just be". just be for a moment, just be and you will figure it out.
and in the words of one of my favorite musicians, Bear's Den--
"please don't cry, hold your head up high.. she would want you to."

be kind to each other. :)